I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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