The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
