Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
