Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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