Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
