I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
