mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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