my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Are we still banned from the library?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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