he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
