I'm so fucking centered right now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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