I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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