Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
