he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
