So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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