You're so nebulous sometimes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
