did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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