that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
