I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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