can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
