It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
