Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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