hotel room ftw
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
