I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
