Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
