My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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