I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Drunk is not a location!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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