I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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