Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
