im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
