Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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