Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
