i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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