also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
