She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
