You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
