you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
