Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
