i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
