I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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