She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
