Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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