Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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