I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
