The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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