Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
