They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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