Your face is a jimmy john
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
