Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
