My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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