Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
